“Underneath all the distress, partners are asking each other: Can I count on you? Are you there for me? Will you respond to me when I need, when I call? Do I matter to you? Am I valued and accepted by you? Do you need me, rely on me?”
Dr. Sue Johnson
Any researcher knows that, if you aspire to be an ‘objective’ scientist, you are not allowed to be passionately impressed by your own research. I am now going to break that rule. (more…)
Tags: attachment, bonds, brain, connection, couple, couples, EFT, emotion, emotionally focused therapy, family, fight, happy, Love, marriage, relationship, research, science, study, therapist, therapy
In this New Year, fifteen years into the new century, I hope that in this year, we learn to deal better with (more…)
Tags: attachment, bond, closeness, connection, couple, distressed, EFT, emotion, emotionally focused therapy, family, feelings, forgive, forgiveness, happy, hold me tight, lasting, Love, new year's, partner, reconciliation, resolution, secure, trust
Christmas is all about togetherness and family. But some of us find ourselves alone at Christmas. At times like this, it seems like everyone in the world BELONGS, except you. (more…)
Tags: alone, aloneness, attachment, belong, Christmas, connection, family, friends, happy, holidays, lonely, matter, Messiah, music, others, relationship, together
For lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people and their supporters, June marked a month of celebration and pride. All over the globe communities shared their support with beautiful parades, festivals, dances, concerts and parties celebrating LGBT Pride.
Tags: bisexual, bond, community, connection, culture, EFT, emotion, emotional, Emotionally Focussed Therapy, gay, gender, lesbian, LGBT, Love, pride, same sex, sexual orientation, transgender
Marriage makes a difference to your brain – and the safety of your world.
We live in a co-habiting world. Many of us do not even bother to walk down the aisle anymore. So my neuroscientist colleague Jim Coan’s recent finding that our brains make a real distinction between formal marriage and living together in terms of how we deal with danger and threat is totally fascinating. (more…)
Tags: attachment, bonding, brain, calms, co-habiting, commitment, connection, couple, danger, distress, EFT, emotional, emotionally focused therapy, fear, freedom, hold me tight, living together, Love, marriage, neruoscience, pain, partner, relationship, responsive, safety, science, secure, stress, therapist, threat
To shape love, we have to be open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. We can see what love encompasses in studies of the fluffy little titi monkey conducted by Bill Mason and Sally Mendoza of the University of California. Females nurse their babies but don’t offer any other maternal responses. (more…)
Tags: anxious, attachment, avoiding, blame, bonding, care, caretaking, caring, closeness, confide, connect, connection, connects, control, controlling, cuddle, desire, emotional, family, forgiveness, forgiving, guide, hold, needs, neglect, numbing, nurture, partners, performance, reach, relationship, respond, response, responsiveness, risk, romantic relationship, safe connection, secure, secure attachment, sex, sexuality, supportiveness
A quiet revolution has happened over the last 15 years – a revolution that we all need to know about. A revolution that – at last- makes sense of romantic love.
Tags: anxiety, anxious, attachment, balance, bonding, bonds, brain, connection, conversations, couples, distress, distressed, EFT, emotional, Emotionally Focussed Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focussed Therapy, feelings, help, Love, loved, loving, map, neuroscience, painful, partner, precious, relationship, repair, revolution romantic, safe, science, secure, security, soothes, soothing, strong, study, therapy, touch, understand, vulnerable
Is it natural for human beings to live a monogamous existence? When I ask this question, people look at me with surprise and answer derisively. A colleague from Europe tells me, “Oh, no-one is getting married these days. They are just so discouraged. What is the point? Monogamy is unrealistic, impossible.” My friend mutters, “It’s about time we gave up on that one! It’s a myth.” So when I am asked this very question by a television host, I take a very deep breath before I answer, “YES. I think we are naturally monogamous.” You can hear jaws dropping everywhere. (more…)
Tags: adapting, affairs, animals, argument, bond, bonding, brain, connection, cuddle, delusional, discouraged, divorce, emotional bonds, evolution, failure, genes, heartbreak, human, human beings, instinct, intimate, loneliness, Love, marriage, married, monogamous, monogamy, natural, oxytocin, partner, polygamy, Relationships, romance, sex, sexual, socially, species, synchrony, weddings
The stock market is falling; mysterious codes called Nasdaq and Dow Jones are now at some record low. What does this mean for families, for couple relationships? (more…)
Tags: angry, anxiety, bonds, calm, complain, conflict, connection, couple, courage, create, danger, distancing, emotional, families, fight, financial, frustration, happy, hope, hormone, investment, irritability, job loss, lasting, long hours, Love, manage, market, marriage, military, money, mysterious, outbursts, oxytocin, pain, poverty, reassuring, recover, relationship, respond, salary cut, save, secure, source, stock market, stress, stronger, trigger
Can romantic love last or does it have, by its very nature, a best before date? One writer has suggested that love is only “designed” to last for about four years, or until the offspring of a romance can survive without two guardian parents. Other research has suggested that love inevitably fades after about 15 months. But mostly we seem to have collectively decided that natural life of a love relationship is even shorter than this. After all, if love is a fever, then it has to die down. If you ‘fall” in love, then I guess at some point you stand up and dust yourself off. Even our language suggests that romantic love is brief. (more…)
Tags: arousal, chemistry, comfort, connection, distressed, emotion, emotional, enduring, eroticism, expressions, heart, human, infatuation, lifetime, long term, Love, lovers, marriage, mystery, offspring, partners, passion, physiological, reassurance, relationship, romance, romantic love, science, survival, survive