Any researcher knows that, if you aspire to be an ‘objective’ scientist, you are not allowed to be passionately impressed by your own research. I am now going to break that rule. (more…)
“Make no mistake, this is a ‘how to’ book, but one of the most unforgettable and remarkable ‘how to’ books I’ve read.”
Tags: attachment, bonds, brain, connection, couple, couples, EFT, emotion, emotionally focused therapy, family, fight, happy, Love, marriage, relationship, research, science, study, therapist, therapy
There are only so many dances in a love relationship.
The happier we are, the more fluid and varied the dance with our partner is. We feel safe together so we improvise and play.
But do you notice that, when we fight, the dance is always the same? It is narrow, small, and limited. We feel like we have no options. The negative pattern takes over the relationship.
Tags: abandoned, advice, attachment, bored, conflict, connect, couples, couples therapy, dissatisfaction, EFT, emotional, emotionally, emotionally focused couple therapy, emotionally focused therapy, feelings, fight, forgiveness, help, hurt, lonely, Love, loved, loving, marriage, pain, painful, partner, pattern, psychology, rejected, rejection, relationship, relationship education, repair, safe, secure, security, sex, sexual, stress, stuck, therapist, therapy, trust, understand, vulnerability, vulnerable
Christmas is all about togetherness and family. But some of us find ourselves alone at Christmas. At times like this, it seems like everyone in the world BELONGS, except you. (more…)
Do you need to hone your communication and problem solving skills to stay married? (more…)
Tags: affection, attachment, awareness, behaviour, change, cognitive, communication, compassion, control, distress, emotional, emotions, empathy, fear, feelings, happy, hold me tight, listening, Love, love sense, openness, relationship, skills, technique, vulnerable
Marriage makes a difference to your brain – and the safety of your world.
We live in a co-habiting world. Many of us do not even bother to walk down the aisle anymore. So my neuroscientist colleague Jim Coan’s recent finding that our brains make a real distinction between formal marriage and living together in terms of how we deal with danger and threat is totally fascinating. (more…)
Tags: attachment, bonding, brain, calms, co-habiting, commitment, connection, couple, danger, distress, EFT, emotional, emotionally focused therapy, fear, freedom, hold me tight, living together, Love, marriage, neruoscience, pain, partner, relationship, responsive, safety, science, secure, stress, therapist, threat
To shape love, we have to be open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. We can see what love encompasses in studies of the fluffy little titi monkey conducted by Bill Mason and Sally Mendoza of the University of California. Females nurse their babies but don’t offer any other maternal responses. (more…)
Tags: anxious, attachment, avoiding, blame, bonding, care, caretaking, caring, closeness, confide, connect, connection, connects, control, controlling, cuddle, desire, emotional, family, forgiveness, forgiving, guide, hold, needs, neglect, numbing, nurture, partners, performance, reach, relationship, respond, response, responsiveness, risk, romantic relationship, safe connection, secure, secure attachment, sex, sexuality, supportiveness
It might have been, wait for it, my mother’s fault! My mother was, at once, the most delightful, engaging, loving woman and the most ruthless, dominating she-wolf you could ever meet. Learning the rules of engagement was vital, and I got to watch as my father tried but constantly failed to do this. As the two people I loved most in the world emotionally ripped each other apart, night after night, I moved from being anguished to mesmerized. What was this desperate drama all about? How did it work? As a six year old, sitting on the stairs in the dark, listening to the fights, I wanted to figure it out. I announced this to my granny who laughed and told me that no one had ever figured love out. So, of course, I decided I had to do it! (more…)
Tags: attachment theory, bonding, bonds, Bowlby, brain, connectetion, conversations, dance, delightful, drinking, engaging, fail, families, fight, figure out, happiness, heart ache, help, hold me tight, hope, impact, intervention, learning, Love, love secret, love sense, lovers, loving, moments, positive, precious, problems, pub, relationship, revolution, ripped, rules, understand
A quiet revolution has happened over the last 15 years – a revolution that we all need to know about. A revolution that – at last- makes sense of romantic love.
Tags: anxiety, anxious, attachment, balance, bonding, bonds, brain, connection, conversations, couples, distress, distressed, EFT, emotional, Emotionally Focussed Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focussed Therapy, feelings, help, Love, loved, loving, map, neuroscience, painful, partner, precious, relationship, repair, revolution romantic, safe, science, secure, security, soothes, soothing, strong, study, therapy, touch, understand, vulnerable
Attachment theory can help us understand sexuality better. In a secure attachment relationship, the three aspects of relatedness – sexuality, caregiving and attachment – are integrated. (more…)
Tags: affection, anxious, attachment, attachment theory, avoident, behavior, behaviour, bonding, caregiving, EFT, eroticism, hold me tight, openness, performance, play, reassurance, relationship, sealed-off sex, secure, sensation, sex, sexuality, solace sex, synchrony sex, therapy
Fights are the times when our relationships with those we love come into sharp focus and hit us right between the eyes, so to speak. They are not fun! And lots of couples seek help simply to stop escalating the arguments. So when couples argue, what works and what doesn’t work? (more…)
Tags: alone, argue, arguments, brain, communication, conversation, couples, criticism, danger, divorce, emotions, escalating, failure, fight, fight fair, fighting, happy couples fight, heal, healthy, help, hold me tight, Love, marriage, negative, normal, okay to fight, pain, partner, physical, protect, relationship, rift, rules, scared, signals, stop, struggle, threatened, threats, time out, upsetting, war, win, wounds