Marriage makes a difference to your brain – and the safety of your world.
We live in a co-habiting world. Many of us do not even bother to walk down the aisle anymore. So my neuroscientist colleague Jim Coan’s recent finding that our brains make a real distinction between formal marriage and living together in terms of how we deal with danger and threat is totally fascinating. (more…)
Tags: attachment, bonding, brain, calms, co-habiting, commitment, connection, couple, danger, distress, EFT, emotional, emotionally focused therapy, fear, freedom, hold me tight, living together, Love, marriage, neruoscience, pain, partner, relationship, responsive, safety, science, secure, stress, therapist, threat
To shape love, we have to be open and responsive, emotionally as well as physically. We can see what love encompasses in studies of the fluffy little titi monkey conducted by Bill Mason and Sally Mendoza of the University of California. Females nurse their babies but don’t offer any other maternal responses. (more…)
Tags: anxious, attachment, avoiding, blame, bonding, care, caretaking, caring, closeness, confide, connect, connection, connects, control, controlling, cuddle, desire, emotional, family, forgiveness, forgiving, guide, hold, needs, neglect, numbing, nurture, partners, performance, reach, relationship, respond, response, responsiveness, risk, romantic relationship, safe connection, secure, secure attachment, sex, sexuality, supportiveness
It might have been, wait for it, my mother’s fault! My mother was, at once, the most delightful, engaging, loving woman and the most ruthless, dominating she-wolf you could ever meet. Learning the rules of engagement was vital, and I got to watch as my father tried but constantly failed to do this. As the two people I loved most in the world emotionally ripped each other apart, night after night, I moved from being anguished to mesmerized. What was this desperate drama all about? How did it work? As a six year old, sitting on the stairs in the dark, listening to the fights, I wanted to figure it out. I announced this to my granny who laughed and told me that no one had ever figured love out. So, of course, I decided I had to do it! (more…)
Tags: attachment theory, bonding, bonds, Bowlby, brain, connectetion, conversations, dance, delightful, drinking, engaging, fail, families, fight, figure out, happiness, heart ache, help, hold me tight, hope, impact, intervention, learning, Love, love secret, love sense, lovers, loving, moments, positive, precious, problems, pub, relationship, revolution, ripped, rules, understand
A quiet revolution has happened over the last 15 years – a revolution that we all need to know about. A revolution that – at last- makes sense of romantic love.
Tags: anxiety, anxious, attachment, balance, bonding, bonds, brain, connection, conversations, couples, distress, distressed, EFT, emotional, Emotionally Focussed Couples Therapy, Emotionally Focussed Therapy, feelings, help, Love, loved, loving, map, neuroscience, painful, partner, precious, relationship, repair, revolution romantic, safe, science, secure, security, soothes, soothing, strong, study, therapy, touch, understand, vulnerable
Attachment theory can help us understand sexuality better. In a secure attachment relationship, the three aspects of relatedness – sexuality, caregiving and attachment – are integrated. (more…)
Tags: affection, anxious, attachment, attachment theory, avoident, behavior, behaviour, bonding, caregiving, EFT, eroticism, hold me tight, openness, performance, play, reassurance, relationship, sealed-off sex, secure, sensation, sex, sexuality, solace sex, synchrony sex, therapy
Is it natural for human beings to live a monogamous existence? When I ask this question, people look at me with surprise and answer derisively. A colleague from Europe tells me, “Oh, no-one is getting married these days. They are just so discouraged. What is the point? Monogamy is unrealistic, impossible.” My friend mutters, “It’s about time we gave up on that one! It’s a myth.” So when I am asked this very question by a television host, I take a very deep breath before I answer, “YES. I think we are naturally monogamous.” You can hear jaws dropping everywhere. (more…)
Tags: adapting, affairs, animals, argument, bond, bonding, brain, connection, cuddle, delusional, discouraged, divorce, emotional bonds, evolution, failure, genes, heartbreak, human, human beings, instinct, intimate, loneliness, Love, marriage, married, monogamous, monogamy, natural, oxytocin, partner, polygamy, Relationships, romance, sex, sexual, socially, species, synchrony, weddings